This is The Nooner, a short daily (Monday - Saturday) newsletter slash podcast that has its very own section within Dispatches from Inner Space.
Every Sunday, I publish the Dispatches Weekly Digest (DWD), which lets you binge all the Nooners from the previous week. It also includes a meaningful song recommendation, and a short segment I call TMI, where I go off script to bring you backstage, so to speak.
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Automatic processes and reliable rituals
When you potty train a toddler, you’re trying to teach them to learn a new behavior to respond to an automatic process. Before potty training happens, peeing and pooping are automated bodily functions that require no awareness or effort.
After potty training, peeing and pooping are something you do in a specific way, in a specific place.
The need to pee and poop is not voluntary, and never will be -- put it off long enough, and you start to have real problems.
But the manner in which you pee and poop is a learned behavior, which is completely voluntary.
The goal is to make this voluntary, learned behavior so ingrained that it is nearly as automatic as the need itself. “I need to go to the bathroom” becomes euphemistic for “I need to pee.”
What you do not do, when potty training a toddler, is present them with an array of alternative options. There is one option, one very specific ritual that they must learn, and you explain this option, and physically demonstrate this ritual, over and over, until they have learned it.
Now, let’s apply all of that to coping, which is the catch-all verb I’m using to describe the way we deal with challenging emotions, like stress, anger, disappointment, etc.
Just like the need to pee (or poop!) the need to cope occurs automatically. Using dope (screens, food, actual drugs, etc) to cope is a lot like peeing into a diaper. It requires no effort, no thought. It seems to magically happen on its own.
One of the reasons I’ve found it so hard to quit using dope to cope (ie peeing on the floor) is because I have given myself a list of alternatives, instead of just training myself to perform one very specific behavior to the point that it becomes nearly as automatic as dope coping.
And, in large part, this is because I haven’t devised a behavior that properly balances simplicity and effectiveness.
For example, calling someone and talking through whatever is stressing me out is an incredibly effective, healthy coping behavior, but it’s not quite simple enough. Who do I call? Will they answer? Do both of us have enough time to talk? This does not work as a default strategy for coping.
On the other hand, journaling, or free writing, is very simple, and often works! But not always.
I don’t think it is possible replace dope cope with any healthier alternative that is not both very simple and 100% effective. It’s like trying to potty train a toddler when the toilet isn’t always accessible, or while they’re wearing pants that are difficult to pull down.
In other words, if I can’t come up with a behavioral ritual that is as perfectly fitted for coping as “going to the bathroom” is for potty training, then I’m going to have a hard time cope training.
Unfortunately, I suspect that whatever ritual ends up working for me might not work for everyone. But that’s okay! The point is to come up with one that is simple and effective enough for *you*, so that when you feel the urge to cope, you automatically know what to do, as certainly as you know when you need to run to the bathroom.
Potty training myself, part 2