Here's my note. The story starts when Eli enters the portal. Can you get us there faster? The introduction to Eli and where he is mentally, socially, etc. all comes out very effectively later in the story. I don't think we need it up front. It's enough the kid is trick-or-treating alone and then with a weirdo in a cardboard box for us to understand his plight. :-)
I'm sure you'll do this anyway, but comb for typos. There were a few. Also, one possible missed search and replace - toward the end "Jack" exited the box. I think Jack is Eli (from another dimension.) 😉🎃
Oh, you misunderstood -- the feedback I was looking for was "This is perfect and wonderful. Change nothing."
Jk. Thanks for the notes. Will I address them before submitting? Well I'd better, because I'm sure Brian and his Lunar Awards acolytes are hawkishly monitoring every comment on every submission.
It occurs to me that saying "I feel so seen" is just a positive reframing of paranoia.
Just got around to this (sorry). I'm sure you did fine on the contest.
"Turtled" as a verb made my day.
Fun story. Rather cheery ending. :-)
Hi buddy.
Here's my note. The story starts when Eli enters the portal. Can you get us there faster? The introduction to Eli and where he is mentally, socially, etc. all comes out very effectively later in the story. I don't think we need it up front. It's enough the kid is trick-or-treating alone and then with a weirdo in a cardboard box for us to understand his plight. :-)
I'm sure you'll do this anyway, but comb for typos. There were a few. Also, one possible missed search and replace - toward the end "Jack" exited the box. I think Jack is Eli (from another dimension.) 😉🎃
Oh, you misunderstood -- the feedback I was looking for was "This is perfect and wonderful. Change nothing."
Jk. Thanks for the notes. Will I address them before submitting? Well I'd better, because I'm sure Brian and his Lunar Awards acolytes are hawkishly monitoring every comment on every submission.
It occurs to me that saying "I feel so seen" is just a positive reframing of paranoia.
This was good.
Suuuper fun, with echoes of Stranger Things dimensional play (not that they were first to do it of course, but loudest most recent for sure)
I enjoyed your story! It does remind me of Stranger Things like Sean mentioned. I enjoyed both characters, but especially liked Bee. :)