Nov 5, 2022·edited Nov 5, 2022Liked by J.E. Petersen
Great job setting the scene. Somehow it feels like you “showed me without telling me” but in book format, which is always impressive.
Also, LOVE being called out for being blithely unaware of how sheltered I am - haha classic. My goal is to prove that in my following notes/suggestSeans:
—
Since you want us to be kinda nit-picky, I think this sentence needs reworked for clarity (and a space removed from “The Academy”:
The pace of the people here, particularly those who occupied The Academy — her translation — was gentle, and deliberate.
Also before you say you meant higher level pickiness, I can’t help how my pickiness manifests, so I assume you’ll just ignore me if you don’t agree with whatever my random things are haha
^That being said, I also feel for my personal brain sentences 4/5 of the whole thing could be reworked, but it’s hard to explain on here so I’ll connect with you offline about that.
—
I feel like you can add a word at the end of this:
“It was like losing to yourself in a game of chess. Maddening.” … and? It FEELS like it begs for another description of what it is aside from Maddening, just to color in our understanding of her mind a little
—
You switched from capitalizing “The Three” to “the Three” and it doesn’t seem it should change. I could be wrong, not a writer, just pointing it out.
—
This section feels like there is some comma malfeasance:
"Once again, Rita silently, compulsively litigated her arguments in front of an imaginary tribunal of the demi-gods who held Earth in their anti-interventionist stewardship. Until, finally, a pale square rose out of her desk and hung there."
—
When reading the following passage:
“she guessed it must be some kind of machine, the purpose of which would likely remain a mystery to her until she died”
I was struck with a heavy level of intrigue of what she or people like her on Dodurran feel about what happens after they die. I don’t know if you go into this. I don’t know if it is a big detail or a small one. But I think if it is never spoken of and you want it that way, that’s fine. BUT if nothing else I think it would be fun to even briefly mention some sort of clear belief or unbelief in an afterlife. The word “until” feels very provocative.
(Added later - Now I am even more interested, hearing her unprepared pitch to Morning about the nigh impossible “art” of intervention and the “faith” it takes to try and influence people for the better
(Added later still)
“You know the perils of faith. Perhaps better than many.”
..Now I feel like you are taunting me. We are TOTES getting some history of Rita, her “faith” and her beliefs on so many different things. I can’t wait! So far, what a great character I can completely get behind.
—
Sentence hiccup regarding the Archs (Or one of the Archs I guess. An Arch. Morning, in fact. Would it be “The Morning Arch” or “Morning, the Arch” or something else altogether? I’ll stop):
“She had started to squint before the its light dimmed. “
—
“The silence that stretched after her words was not built of time but of portent.”
-Shut up. So sick. Love this sentence. Also “Shut up” is mean to be additive of the sacred silence here.
—
FInal notes:
SUPER jealous of her office door, I want one for sure. Also the library that is basically maneuravable because of AR-assistance. Imagine LITERALLY being able to “get lost” in a library, knowing at any time all you have to do is use your pathfinding assistance, but for the rest of the time you simply want to explore.
….I guess you don’t need to imagine it since you already did. But thanks for letting me!
post.script. You formatting it to end with your pleading right before the html and CSS place the “Leave a comment” button was very fun. I wish it could say it made me want to leave a comment, but in reality it made me want to praise you in the comment I was already making. This is that praise.
p.p.s. Fellowship AND Confederacy?! I better see “Allies” and “Rebellion” and more fun group names in coming chapters!
Annnd ya got me. I'm in. As the Dain Bramaged One, I'm always a good litmus test for created worlds, especially ones that lean more sci-fi than fantasy. But I can see it, feel it. I want that office. Hahaha! There weren't many times I had to go back and re-read, which is saying something for a crash course into a new world as you're also attempting to hook me into caring.
And now I do. So many things that are deeply important to me are now boxes you've cracked open and set upon the shelf for further exploration.
Only one typo stood out - double AN: "Her ship didn’t land on the surface of that sphere, but rather upon a translucent, continent-wide band of glass that belted it an an immense altitude."
Very excited to see where you're going to be taking us...
Love the inclusion inclusion of philosophy, although I associate reason-defying leaps of faith more with Kierkegaard than Kant.
The overall structure and pacing I quite like, setting an otherworld view out of the office, but making it clear that the MC is waiting on a decision of importance, revealing that in the meeting, setting up some themes of art vs. science, the risks of trying to intervene and improve another person's life. Very you.
The thing that was the most real was a puzzle door folding itself into a pillar, Even though you don't mention specifically how, my brain creates and impression of it's curling and folding. Also love the picture of a gravity-defying city growing in tangled filaments.
After reading the prologue (nothing else yet), I think I'm most excited by the following ideas:
1) Seeing what the proxy and intervention turn out to be
2) Wondering where the earth is. Is it our modern earth (or perhaps a future earth with analogies?) What is the razor's edge between transcendence and destruction.
3) Following the philosophical thread of the fellowship. I'm tickled by the idea, exploring a philosophy of modesty, honest-self reflection, and open dialogue trying to influence our modern culture that seems to so predictably elevate vehement, ignorant, and often incoherent voices. If I were to pick the dramatic question based on the inferences of this prologue, that's what I'm imagining.
There are a few moments where I'd work on show not tell. For example, rather than saying 'AR guidance' actually describe the overlay of a soft green light weaving through branching allies until at a sudden turn, she's at her pod. The * * * transitions are also a little abrupt, and a little confusing. For example, she enters her private space craft, and then she's at a planet orbiting a particular sun... getting to another solar system would typically be lengthy trip, but it's not clear how much time has passed (or how she short-cutted the intervening space). I didn't really dwell on these, I assume this is uploaded somewhat rough.
The bones of this story (at least with where I think it might go) are very promising. I look forward to reading the rest (and Merry Christmas!)
What a great prologue! I’m keen to see more. As far as notes (since everyone is giving them), I only have encouragement: you balanced world building and the hook very well.
First, the usage of the windows to lead on, then tell us the city she is living in was excellent. I also appreciated how the last conversation was used to world build.
For macro changes, I would just try to give Rita more of a personality if she is to truly be the protagonist. I think that exposition of her thoughts can be used more in the first few paragraphs while she is still in her home. Maybe some sentences tying in the description of her surroundings and feelings provoked by that.
Hi! Joanna asked me to take a look. All of your hard work really shows! Your pacing and atmosphere are great. It's interesting, and you do a nice job building tension. I just have a few tweaks. I hope I got the paragraph numbers correct. The description of the office at the beginning is a little heavy and confusing. I think you should break up the sentences a bit. P3, "sat up to look out at Dodurro, the city she called home." P4a, library instead of physical library. P4b, the passage that says, "future down the desk" is awkward. P5, bracketed instead of embraced. P5b, the passage that says, "they were constructed" is awkward. P24, "dangerously, so dangerously close." P30, "the light or its light".
This "office" of hers--can almost see it! Exquisite world building without overwhelming, you've invited and gently lead me, at least, to wander and look around in this awake dream. Remarkably, I don't generally like "other-worldly" fiction, as a rule. I'm earthbound. Yet, with this first read, which I remember in images as opposed to words in my mind's eye, has me bound up in Dodurran already and, unlike Rita, I don't want to leave.
Yes, stage well set. There are larger (much larger) forces, alliances, histories, and buildings in this new world that immediately lift the reader's gaze from earthly references. The Archs is an interesting take on human understandings of god, suggesting that the divine interventions documented in holy human writ are the work of a protector race from the universe. Intriguing.
Cleverly, you've also framed humanity as being on a razor's edge, and that there's a possibility for entire worlds to fail. The consequences of humans' responses to interventions are placed squarely on them, but interestingly also depend on the faith of those intervening.
It's hard for me to put my finger on it, but the dialogue between Rita and the Arch becomes pedantic for me midway through. I think perhaps more build into their relationship, her history of research, or some other means of softening and humanizing her portion of the dialogue. Maybe a personal history or experience? High philosophy can seem unnatural and distancing at a certain point. As Faulconer told Eric once: "Philosophy is a disease: Don't infect others with it." You get to faith (or Rita does), but maybe showing that through backstory would help.
There are two misspellings I found: You need to reverse the i's and a's in the suffixes of "ineffible" and irreducable."
As I started reading, I felt like this may be what it was like in the lives of the people in Asimov’s Foundation and then it turned in a different direction. One I was not expecting but am interested in.
Okay. I'm in it. And if it's cool with you, I'm just going to read this for fun. And education. Because I rarely write outside the contemporary sphere. I probably won't throw too much feedback at you unless I get really stuck. So far, I'm very down with this. Your language is lovely. I have to make myself slow down to fully engage with the visual aspects of your world, but that's good practice for me. I usually eat books like popcorn. And I can tell I won't be able to do that with this story. BONUS: I can read you in the app without going blind. 😉
Great job setting the scene. Somehow it feels like you “showed me without telling me” but in book format, which is always impressive.
Also, LOVE being called out for being blithely unaware of how sheltered I am - haha classic. My goal is to prove that in my following notes/suggestSeans:
—
Since you want us to be kinda nit-picky, I think this sentence needs reworked for clarity (and a space removed from “The Academy”:
The pace of the people here, particularly those who occupied The Academy — her translation — was gentle, and deliberate.
Also before you say you meant higher level pickiness, I can’t help how my pickiness manifests, so I assume you’ll just ignore me if you don’t agree with whatever my random things are haha
^That being said, I also feel for my personal brain sentences 4/5 of the whole thing could be reworked, but it’s hard to explain on here so I’ll connect with you offline about that.
—
I feel like you can add a word at the end of this:
“It was like losing to yourself in a game of chess. Maddening.” … and? It FEELS like it begs for another description of what it is aside from Maddening, just to color in our understanding of her mind a little
—
You switched from capitalizing “The Three” to “the Three” and it doesn’t seem it should change. I could be wrong, not a writer, just pointing it out.
—
This section feels like there is some comma malfeasance:
"Once again, Rita silently, compulsively litigated her arguments in front of an imaginary tribunal of the demi-gods who held Earth in their anti-interventionist stewardship. Until, finally, a pale square rose out of her desk and hung there."
—
When reading the following passage:
“she guessed it must be some kind of machine, the purpose of which would likely remain a mystery to her until she died”
I was struck with a heavy level of intrigue of what she or people like her on Dodurran feel about what happens after they die. I don’t know if you go into this. I don’t know if it is a big detail or a small one. But I think if it is never spoken of and you want it that way, that’s fine. BUT if nothing else I think it would be fun to even briefly mention some sort of clear belief or unbelief in an afterlife. The word “until” feels very provocative.
(Added later - Now I am even more interested, hearing her unprepared pitch to Morning about the nigh impossible “art” of intervention and the “faith” it takes to try and influence people for the better
(Added later still)
“You know the perils of faith. Perhaps better than many.”
..Now I feel like you are taunting me. We are TOTES getting some history of Rita, her “faith” and her beliefs on so many different things. I can’t wait! So far, what a great character I can completely get behind.
—
Sentence hiccup regarding the Archs (Or one of the Archs I guess. An Arch. Morning, in fact. Would it be “The Morning Arch” or “Morning, the Arch” or something else altogether? I’ll stop):
“She had started to squint before the its light dimmed. “
—
“The silence that stretched after her words was not built of time but of portent.”
-Shut up. So sick. Love this sentence. Also “Shut up” is mean to be additive of the sacred silence here.
—
FInal notes:
SUPER jealous of her office door, I want one for sure. Also the library that is basically maneuravable because of AR-assistance. Imagine LITERALLY being able to “get lost” in a library, knowing at any time all you have to do is use your pathfinding assistance, but for the rest of the time you simply want to explore.
….I guess you don’t need to imagine it since you already did. But thanks for letting me!
post.script. You formatting it to end with your pleading right before the html and CSS place the “Leave a comment” button was very fun. I wish it could say it made me want to leave a comment, but in reality it made me want to praise you in the comment I was already making. This is that praise.
p.p.s. Fellowship AND Confederacy?! I better see “Allies” and “Rebellion” and more fun group names in coming chapters!
Annnd ya got me. I'm in. As the Dain Bramaged One, I'm always a good litmus test for created worlds, especially ones that lean more sci-fi than fantasy. But I can see it, feel it. I want that office. Hahaha! There weren't many times I had to go back and re-read, which is saying something for a crash course into a new world as you're also attempting to hook me into caring.
And now I do. So many things that are deeply important to me are now boxes you've cracked open and set upon the shelf for further exploration.
Only one typo stood out - double AN: "Her ship didn’t land on the surface of that sphere, but rather upon a translucent, continent-wide band of glass that belted it an an immense altitude."
Very excited to see where you're going to be taking us...
Love the inclusion inclusion of philosophy, although I associate reason-defying leaps of faith more with Kierkegaard than Kant.
The overall structure and pacing I quite like, setting an otherworld view out of the office, but making it clear that the MC is waiting on a decision of importance, revealing that in the meeting, setting up some themes of art vs. science, the risks of trying to intervene and improve another person's life. Very you.
The thing that was the most real was a puzzle door folding itself into a pillar, Even though you don't mention specifically how, my brain creates and impression of it's curling and folding. Also love the picture of a gravity-defying city growing in tangled filaments.
After reading the prologue (nothing else yet), I think I'm most excited by the following ideas:
1) Seeing what the proxy and intervention turn out to be
2) Wondering where the earth is. Is it our modern earth (or perhaps a future earth with analogies?) What is the razor's edge between transcendence and destruction.
3) Following the philosophical thread of the fellowship. I'm tickled by the idea, exploring a philosophy of modesty, honest-self reflection, and open dialogue trying to influence our modern culture that seems to so predictably elevate vehement, ignorant, and often incoherent voices. If I were to pick the dramatic question based on the inferences of this prologue, that's what I'm imagining.
There are a few moments where I'd work on show not tell. For example, rather than saying 'AR guidance' actually describe the overlay of a soft green light weaving through branching allies until at a sudden turn, she's at her pod. The * * * transitions are also a little abrupt, and a little confusing. For example, she enters her private space craft, and then she's at a planet orbiting a particular sun... getting to another solar system would typically be lengthy trip, but it's not clear how much time has passed (or how she short-cutted the intervening space). I didn't really dwell on these, I assume this is uploaded somewhat rough.
The bones of this story (at least with where I think it might go) are very promising. I look forward to reading the rest (and Merry Christmas!)
What a great prologue! I’m keen to see more. As far as notes (since everyone is giving them), I only have encouragement: you balanced world building and the hook very well.
First, the usage of the windows to lead on, then tell us the city she is living in was excellent. I also appreciated how the last conversation was used to world build.
For macro changes, I would just try to give Rita more of a personality if she is to truly be the protagonist. I think that exposition of her thoughts can be used more in the first few paragraphs while she is still in her home. Maybe some sentences tying in the description of her surroundings and feelings provoked by that.
Hi! Joanna asked me to take a look. All of your hard work really shows! Your pacing and atmosphere are great. It's interesting, and you do a nice job building tension. I just have a few tweaks. I hope I got the paragraph numbers correct. The description of the office at the beginning is a little heavy and confusing. I think you should break up the sentences a bit. P3, "sat up to look out at Dodurro, the city she called home." P4a, library instead of physical library. P4b, the passage that says, "future down the desk" is awkward. P5, bracketed instead of embraced. P5b, the passage that says, "they were constructed" is awkward. P24, "dangerously, so dangerously close." P30, "the light or its light".
Good luck with your project!
This "office" of hers--can almost see it! Exquisite world building without overwhelming, you've invited and gently lead me, at least, to wander and look around in this awake dream. Remarkably, I don't generally like "other-worldly" fiction, as a rule. I'm earthbound. Yet, with this first read, which I remember in images as opposed to words in my mind's eye, has me bound up in Dodurran already and, unlike Rita, I don't want to leave.
Yes, stage well set. There are larger (much larger) forces, alliances, histories, and buildings in this new world that immediately lift the reader's gaze from earthly references. The Archs is an interesting take on human understandings of god, suggesting that the divine interventions documented in holy human writ are the work of a protector race from the universe. Intriguing.
Cleverly, you've also framed humanity as being on a razor's edge, and that there's a possibility for entire worlds to fail. The consequences of humans' responses to interventions are placed squarely on them, but interestingly also depend on the faith of those intervening.
It's hard for me to put my finger on it, but the dialogue between Rita and the Arch becomes pedantic for me midway through. I think perhaps more build into their relationship, her history of research, or some other means of softening and humanizing her portion of the dialogue. Maybe a personal history or experience? High philosophy can seem unnatural and distancing at a certain point. As Faulconer told Eric once: "Philosophy is a disease: Don't infect others with it." You get to faith (or Rita does), but maybe showing that through backstory would help.
There are two misspellings I found: You need to reverse the i's and a's in the suffixes of "ineffible" and irreducable."
I want to know what happens next!
…
As I started reading, I felt like this may be what it was like in the lives of the people in Asimov’s Foundation and then it turned in a different direction. One I was not expecting but am interested in.
Okay. I'm in it. And if it's cool with you, I'm just going to read this for fun. And education. Because I rarely write outside the contemporary sphere. I probably won't throw too much feedback at you unless I get really stuck. So far, I'm very down with this. Your language is lovely. I have to make myself slow down to fully engage with the visual aspects of your world, but that's good practice for me. I usually eat books like popcorn. And I can tell I won't be able to do that with this story. BONUS: I can read you in the app without going blind. 😉