-WHOOO! Reppin’ AZ babyyy. Best water, and I don’t wanna hear anything from you about it.
-Already some really fun things here. Honestly, I was hit with nostalgia while reading from “Every night, I was torn away…” all the way to “I felt sorry for them” - I sat and reread that a few times, while thinking of some Owl city songs (not joking) and really being taken back to even younger days in middle school and highschool.
Imagine how funny it was when I came back to the story and the very next line is “But I was young, barely six. What could I say to them, so old, and so certain?”
While I had to laugh a bit, it now resonated with me in a different way, because you did an excellent job of capturing a youthful, hopefully, wondrously faithful perspective. Sad it is so easy to lose that zest as we get older.
-Friggin’ fuzzy cacti and jumping cacti - talk about memories I don’t appreciate you bringing back to my mind.
-May not matter, but in the bible a lowercase “a” “atonement” is just any general reparation/reconciliation/sacrifice kinda thing, but a capital “A” “Atonement” refers to Jesus’s Atonement. Again not sure this matters, just wanted to mention.
-Such a sad way to begin this story, definitely love Jackson and Sarah.
-Fascinating that Jackson doesn’t seem to have had any desire to “follow” in Sarah’s footsteps, or try to find her. Kind of beautiful that the best solution was to “wait” and be patient. It is like a wonderful way to humbly accept reality on one hand, while simultaneously hoping with all one’s heart on the other. Mature, wise, and heartbreaking. (I fought back the urge to say “Maddening”)
-Also appreciate that all of this tragedy didn’t cause a rift or schism or negative association between Jackson and the stars, but on the contrary seem to have made that relationship even stronger.
-WHOOO Now we’re gettin’ Mesa representation! <3
-The time skip during this chapter is NOT hard to follow, however there is something about it that feels like it could be done slightly differently. I know you have done it this way for a purpose, and I don’t want to mess with it since it works, just wanted to mention it in case you were on the fence about moving one section before or after another and how I think opening a dialogue could be interesting to hear other people’s thoughts.
After reading even more since writing this, I think PERHAPS there is an opportunity for more of a narrator’s thoughts like you did at the beginning when you say stuff like “I’m tempted to start in Boston. But my gut tells me I should go back further, and I’m told it’s best to trust your gut with this sort of thing. So here we go.”
and “But before I get into that, I’ll invite you into a very specific memory, for a brief visit into the mind and heart of a six-year-old boy. I think it will be a good beginning.”
In other words, I think there could perhaps be some consideration to include like a “you know what, let’s go back to one more important thing you need to know” or one of many iteratseans of that kind of thing.
-Wow so many Mormon references - unexpected but fun. Does anyone feel like there are too many, not enough, just the right amount? Curious what other’s experiences were reading it.
-This is one of those necessary chapters that I am excited to read, but more excited to finish so that I have a strong foundation for WHAT IS NEXT THAT I AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT. So please join me in prayer as we make the next week go by faster so I can read sweet chapter 2 ASAP.
Teehee: "They were goth from old Arizona Mormon stock." Ohhh yeah, those good ole Mormon goths... 🤣🙏💀🙏😜
OK cool...there are so many awesome seeds here. I'm loving the switch to Jackson and the ah-hah between who he is and who Sarah is. In the beginning section about him, I feel so much of how this history impacts the person we're now getting to know. We get wonderful little snippets of his personality already, and I can clearly see this place as he is in it.
However, this is Chapter 1, and you want to polish and officially publish.
Once I'm totally hooked and invested, I am much more willing to deviate into a family history--especially with such an awesome BOOM as the last line! That's just golden. But you're having to re-hook me with that switch of, not only POV, but also a completely different world. So the shift into also giving us Nali's history has diluted all the investment I had starting building with Jackson and weaving together the thread of hooking from the Prologue. For a Chapter 1, I would suggest letting us fully and completely sink our teeth into Jackson (and the connected threads you've already established with Sarah) before giving us so much of the grandparents.
Or if we're really about to dive into Nali way more than Jackson in the next chapters...hmmm...Let me see where you're taking us next... Onward!
And great notes about the potential pitfalls of going so deep into backstory in the first chapter. This is definitely something I've suspected will need to be largely restructured in future drafts. I elected to start getting it out in front of people before I fixed that problem, though. I'm glad I did! Lots of stuff has become much, much clearer since I started this project.
I so know what you mean! All the fodder can then be gathered for a faster edit and restructure. Nahhhh, not embarrassing. Entertaining. Okay, maybe entertaining for us. Heeee!
Hello! Maybe mobile was not the best way to do this, but I’m away from a laptop and felt like I need to give some thoughts!
Very interesting switch between 3rd and 1st person! I’m gonna read into that and assume Jackson’s our main guy?
I think I’m hooked now, by chapter 1! The prologue felt a bit…sterile(?) to me, which might just boil down to setting alone. But even the juxtaposition between chapters, one a bit more clean and reserved, to Jackson’s meandering, messy, and personable way of telling his story, have officially reeled me in to see how these two (or more?) worlds collide.
I think the preamble at the beginning didn’t serve too much of a purpose, although the line “there’s no escaping lineage” as well as “trusting your gut” are viewpoints that I think help flesh out who Jackson is. I just think they could be easily incorporated without having to preface the chapter. (Unless those lines aren’t important at all, in which case, you do you).
The intro of just looking up at the night sky is just so gripping, that I feel like the preface at the beginning almost gets in the way of this sweet, sweet boy and his sad, sad story.
I admire Nali’s determination, and am interested in how she plays into all of this, but, by the time the chapter ended, I just wanted to know what Jackson was up to!
I’m also curious if the masses know the definition of agency off-hand in the same way Mormons do, but I always opt for “choice.”
Also also, interested as to why the people are so venomous. Is it just in correlation to refusing to hear the word? Or are they actually just hardened, sad folks? Why?
Anyway, just some thoughts. Can’t wait for chapter 2!
-WHOOO! Reppin’ AZ babyyy. Best water, and I don’t wanna hear anything from you about it.
-Already some really fun things here. Honestly, I was hit with nostalgia while reading from “Every night, I was torn away…” all the way to “I felt sorry for them” - I sat and reread that a few times, while thinking of some Owl city songs (not joking) and really being taken back to even younger days in middle school and highschool.
Imagine how funny it was when I came back to the story and the very next line is “But I was young, barely six. What could I say to them, so old, and so certain?”
While I had to laugh a bit, it now resonated with me in a different way, because you did an excellent job of capturing a youthful, hopefully, wondrously faithful perspective. Sad it is so easy to lose that zest as we get older.
-Friggin’ fuzzy cacti and jumping cacti - talk about memories I don’t appreciate you bringing back to my mind.
-May not matter, but in the bible a lowercase “a” “atonement” is just any general reparation/reconciliation/sacrifice kinda thing, but a capital “A” “Atonement” refers to Jesus’s Atonement. Again not sure this matters, just wanted to mention.
-Such a sad way to begin this story, definitely love Jackson and Sarah.
-Fascinating that Jackson doesn’t seem to have had any desire to “follow” in Sarah’s footsteps, or try to find her. Kind of beautiful that the best solution was to “wait” and be patient. It is like a wonderful way to humbly accept reality on one hand, while simultaneously hoping with all one’s heart on the other. Mature, wise, and heartbreaking. (I fought back the urge to say “Maddening”)
-Also appreciate that all of this tragedy didn’t cause a rift or schism or negative association between Jackson and the stars, but on the contrary seem to have made that relationship even stronger.
-WHOOO Now we’re gettin’ Mesa representation! <3
-The time skip during this chapter is NOT hard to follow, however there is something about it that feels like it could be done slightly differently. I know you have done it this way for a purpose, and I don’t want to mess with it since it works, just wanted to mention it in case you were on the fence about moving one section before or after another and how I think opening a dialogue could be interesting to hear other people’s thoughts.
After reading even more since writing this, I think PERHAPS there is an opportunity for more of a narrator’s thoughts like you did at the beginning when you say stuff like “I’m tempted to start in Boston. But my gut tells me I should go back further, and I’m told it’s best to trust your gut with this sort of thing. So here we go.”
and “But before I get into that, I’ll invite you into a very specific memory, for a brief visit into the mind and heart of a six-year-old boy. I think it will be a good beginning.”
In other words, I think there could perhaps be some consideration to include like a “you know what, let’s go back to one more important thing you need to know” or one of many iteratseans of that kind of thing.
-Wow so many Mormon references - unexpected but fun. Does anyone feel like there are too many, not enough, just the right amount? Curious what other’s experiences were reading it.
-This is one of those necessary chapters that I am excited to read, but more excited to finish so that I have a strong foundation for WHAT IS NEXT THAT I AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT. So please join me in prayer as we make the next week go by faster so I can read sweet chapter 2 ASAP.
Teehee: "They were goth from old Arizona Mormon stock." Ohhh yeah, those good ole Mormon goths... 🤣🙏💀🙏😜
OK cool...there are so many awesome seeds here. I'm loving the switch to Jackson and the ah-hah between who he is and who Sarah is. In the beginning section about him, I feel so much of how this history impacts the person we're now getting to know. We get wonderful little snippets of his personality already, and I can clearly see this place as he is in it.
However, this is Chapter 1, and you want to polish and officially publish.
Once I'm totally hooked and invested, I am much more willing to deviate into a family history--especially with such an awesome BOOM as the last line! That's just golden. But you're having to re-hook me with that switch of, not only POV, but also a completely different world. So the shift into also giving us Nali's history has diluted all the investment I had starting building with Jackson and weaving together the thread of hooking from the Prologue. For a Chapter 1, I would suggest letting us fully and completely sink our teeth into Jackson (and the connected threads you've already established with Sarah) before giving us so much of the grandparents.
Or if we're really about to dive into Nali way more than Jackson in the next chapters...hmmm...Let me see where you're taking us next... Onward!
Embarrassing typo! Fixed! Thank you!
And great notes about the potential pitfalls of going so deep into backstory in the first chapter. This is definitely something I've suspected will need to be largely restructured in future drafts. I elected to start getting it out in front of people before I fixed that problem, though. I'm glad I did! Lots of stuff has become much, much clearer since I started this project.
I so know what you mean! All the fodder can then be gathered for a faster edit and restructure. Nahhhh, not embarrassing. Entertaining. Okay, maybe entertaining for us. Heeee!
Hello! Maybe mobile was not the best way to do this, but I’m away from a laptop and felt like I need to give some thoughts!
Very interesting switch between 3rd and 1st person! I’m gonna read into that and assume Jackson’s our main guy?
I think I’m hooked now, by chapter 1! The prologue felt a bit…sterile(?) to me, which might just boil down to setting alone. But even the juxtaposition between chapters, one a bit more clean and reserved, to Jackson’s meandering, messy, and personable way of telling his story, have officially reeled me in to see how these two (or more?) worlds collide.
I think the preamble at the beginning didn’t serve too much of a purpose, although the line “there’s no escaping lineage” as well as “trusting your gut” are viewpoints that I think help flesh out who Jackson is. I just think they could be easily incorporated without having to preface the chapter. (Unless those lines aren’t important at all, in which case, you do you).
The intro of just looking up at the night sky is just so gripping, that I feel like the preface at the beginning almost gets in the way of this sweet, sweet boy and his sad, sad story.
I admire Nali’s determination, and am interested in how she plays into all of this, but, by the time the chapter ended, I just wanted to know what Jackson was up to!
I’m also curious if the masses know the definition of agency off-hand in the same way Mormons do, but I always opt for “choice.”
Also also, interested as to why the people are so venomous. Is it just in correlation to refusing to hear the word? Or are they actually just hardened, sad folks? Why?
Anyway, just some thoughts. Can’t wait for chapter 2!