This is The Nooner, a (very short) daily newsletter slash podcast that has its very own section within Dispatches from Inner Space.
To see the first post, which doubles as an explainer, click here.
Also a quick reminder that you can listen to the podcast version of each post wherever you listen to podcasts.
Breath mints are fake
OK, not really.
But sort of! Think about it. Breath is just air that passes out of the lungs, through the esophagus, over the tongue, and out of the mouth. Bad breath happens when the air that is leaving your lungs comes in contact with a buildup of bacteria in your mouth, and specifically on your tongue.
I know this because the first spokesperson for the Orabrush tongue cleaner is actually one of my best friends.
So anyway, let’s say you’ve got bad breath, and so you eat a breath mint. What are you doing? Well, you’re trying to get rid of your bad breath. Of course you are. Nobody wants to have bad breath. It’s the worst.
The question is, what is the breath mint doing to solve your disgusting halitosis?
It’s putting a coat of minty-smelling sugar overtop the bacteria already thickly settled on your tongue. And what do you think bacteria eat? They eat sugar! This is like spraying miracle grow on a bunch of weeds!
Eat a breath mint, and your breath will smell a little bit minty for a few minutes, before that minty smell is all gone, and your breath is worse than it was before.
The non-fake way to deal with bad breath is to use a special tool that was invented more than five thousand years ago. It’s called a toothbrush, but (contrary to the misleading claims of Orabrush’s erstwhile spokesperson) it also works great on tongues.
And yet we spend half a billion dollars on breath mints every year, and dismally few of us learn how to properly clean our tongues.
I blame consumerism.
Consumerism says that solutions are always additive. Swallow something, wear something, read or watch or listen to something, inject something. To fix your problem, you must buy a consumable solution.
For bad breath, please select your favorite brand and flavor of breath mint. It’s delicious, and it makes your breath smell delicious. And if it wears off, well that’s why it comes in a pack of fifty. Better buy a backup pack just in case. You’ve got that date tonight.
So many (most? all?) of the solutions consumerism offers are like that. They smear something on top of the problem like a coat of paint.
But if you’ve walked along the troubled road of life for any distance at all, you know that most of the problems consumer products offer to solve are just symptoms of deeper issues.
Bad breath is a symptom of an unhealthy gut and poor mouth hygiene. The only thing a coat of minty sugar can do is make it worse.
The most profitable products don’t solve problems, they manage symptoms. Real solutions are rarely something you can just buy and swallow.
Real solutions are usually tedious, and boring. Like brushing the gunk off your tongue, or eating less processed food.
You want a breath mint, eat a breath mint, but don’t be fooled into thinking it’s anything more than candy, and candy isn’t going to fix your bad breath.
Click at least one of these or else…
…you will never have good breath. Not ever. No matter what you do.
Breath mints are fake